She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
