oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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