I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
