I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
