tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
