just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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