I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
