Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
