cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Randomize
