i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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