Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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