I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
