i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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