if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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