Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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