listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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