i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
