You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
