If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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