Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
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Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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