theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
