We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
In America we eat man semen.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
