I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
