i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
