Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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