She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
