This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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