I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
