I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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