turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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