shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
