I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
