RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
