Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
