I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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