Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
