you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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