I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
