i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
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Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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