Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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