Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
