Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
