there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
