i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
