Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
