Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
