I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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