At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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