He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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