I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
