And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
