Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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