After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
