**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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