Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
