two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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