I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
