Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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