My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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